Coronavirus: NHS advises to wash your hands like you just picked up Mark Francois’ dirty Y-fronts

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In an effort to ensure people are washing their hands correctly, the government has resorted to tips and imagery such as singing happy birthday or imagining you had just grabbed what you thought was a t-shirt but turned out to be Mark Francois’ skidmarked kegs.

Dr Simon Williams, Senior Epidemiologist at the University of Croydon, explained that, while short songs were all very well to give people an idea of how long they should wash their hands but not how hard.

He explained, “It is important that people give themselves a good scrub when washing their hands. That’s why we want everyone to go to the loo every hour and wash their hands like they had just been rubbed by Mark Francois’ multicolour undies that were white when he put them on.

“Close your eyes and imagine it. You put your hand right in the gusset. No safe areas left either. Soiled front and back. 4 kinds of stains and pubes stuck to the grime. The crotch area has got rigid parts and you’re sure you saw a sweetcorn kernel in the skids.

“Now go and wash.”

However, some medical authorities dispute the use of vivid imagery out of concern it could lead to injury. The American CDC has issued a nationwide alert telling US doctors that such methods should be avoided.

It read. “Healthcare practitioners are advised not to tell patients they should wash their hands like Donald Trump had just licked them.

“Although highly motivational, these instructions have resulted in hundreds of incidents of patients immersing their hands in a bucket of bleach and scrubbing them with steel wool, three cases of severe gasoline fire burns and one chainsaw amputation.”