Monday 2 March 2020 by Pete Redfern

Avoid Coronavirus by just being patriotic, thinking optimistically and ignoring experts, instructs Boris


Boris Johnson on coronavirus

Following an emergency COBRA meeting, Downing Street has revealed their ingenious plan to stop the spread of Coronavirus.

After meeting with high-ranking members of the emergency services, senior civil servants and health advisors, Boris Johnson has ignored their advice and instead issued a statement telling citizens of the UK to just be a bit more bloody patriotic.

“This is Brexit Britain, and we will not be cowed by the prospect of an invasion of a disease with a bloody silly foreign name. We will look it right in the eye, yell ‘Up Yours!’ and then proceed to give it a jolly good thrashing.”

He went on, “You can’t just start panicking and crying over a little bug that you can’t see and probably won’t kill you.

“Be more optimistic! I urge everyone today to be more patriotic, and not become snivelling little moaning minnies. This disease can be seen off with a good full English breakfast, a few pints of warm ale and some strawberries and cream, mark my words.”

He concluded, “We’ve seen off the EU and now stand on our own two feet, ready to face anything.

“Although I do wish some of those EU doctors and nurses had stayed and not gone home. I suspect we might need them.”

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