by 
The Government has confirmed that it is currently finalising plans to comprehensively blame the EU for any serious outbreak of coronavirus in Britain.
With a pandemic increasingly likely, and more British cases inevitable, the Government’s top priority over the past few days has been to put together a strategy to make everyone think it’s the EU’s fault.
“It seems likely that we will see deaths over the coming weeks and months, and it is important that as those people die, they blame the EU for getting sick,” explained Matt Hancock, a schoolboy who won a competition to become a Government Minister.
“As such, over the coming few days you will see adverts in newspapers and on TV with the tagline – ‘Coronavirus: The EU Science Germs of Death’.
“These adverts will explain that the coronavirus was created in a secret bunker in Brussels as a means to punish those brave countries that try and escape the EU’s clutches, but a fish accidentally ate the germs and then went to China.
“We hope that by the end of the year, ‘The EU Science Germs of Death’ will be how all the thickies and divs in the country refer to the disease.”
Simon Williams, both a thicky and a div, approved.
He told us, “I bloody knew it was the EU, even though the virus has been present in animals for likely hundreds of years, I still knew it was the EU.
“Bastards.”
It is expected that once the campaign is fully rolled out, the Government might start looking to make provisions for the NHS to cope with the Coronavirus and start research into a cure.
But only if it starts affecting rich people.
