Thursday 27 February 2020 by Arabin Patson

Breaking my promises on the previous EU deal is best way to start negotiations for future deal, insists idiot


Boris negotiating position with EU

Boris Johnson, a workshy imbecile currently residing in Central London, has announced that the best way to get a great trade deal from the EU is to openly break the solemn commitments he agreed to on the political deal he made in November.

In a press statement, Downing Street explained the strategy of getting someone to agree to a new binding treaty by brazenly refusing to abide by the terms of the last one.

“We will not be rule-takers. We will deal with the EU as equals, albeit with one side being completely untrustworthy. Surely now Brussels will forget their silly demands for strong mechanisms to ensure each party abides by the rules.”

Simone Williams, a political analyst for the Sunday Times, explained that the bizarre method was probably a reflection of Boris Johnson’s own view on life.

She went on, “It’s not his fault, really. Brazenly lying has just helped him climb the greasy pole. Remember that the more he breaks his promises, the more fuckwitted voters think he’s a roguish character. So it’s natural he assumes it’s the best way to get what he wants.”

Ms Williams was asked if the technique was likely to succeed.

“Fat chance. The EU has been making trade deals to their advantage since the sixties and has an army of hardened negotiators who quibble over every dot and comma of documents that make War and Peace look like a Buzzfeed clickbait title.

“Whereas we have a bone-idle posho who doesn’t even remember how many children he has, guided by a shouty wanker who thinks he’s a genius because he read Ayn Rand while on shrooms and looks like he sleeps in his car.

“Buy Euros. Now.”

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