Waitrose introduces new points-based system for prospective shoppers

author avatar by 4 years ago

In a bid to re-establish its position as the poshest of the mainstream high street supermarkets, Waitrose has announced it is to take a leaf out of Home Secretary Priti Patel’s book and introduce a new points-based admission system before allowing customers into its stores.

A Waitrose spokesman said, “Things have been perceived to be sliding since the introduction of our Essentials range, and I’m pleased to be able to announce that this is to be discontinued immediately.

“However, to gain access to our hallowed aisles customers must now score no fewer than 70 qualifying points. We are hiring door staff for all stores with explicit instructions for them to apply a strict ‘no ifs, no buts’ admission policy.”

The new system goes live from March 1st. But the question remains, do you have the pedigree to shop at Waitrose?

Test yourself against a random selection of the store’s qualifying criteria. A full list is available for download from the Waitrose website. Answer yes to those that apply to you, and if your score totals 70 or higher you’re good to shop!

  1. Are either you, your husband or both assistant or senior partners in an architect’s practice? 20 points (30 if both)
  2. Can you prove (ideally with receipts) that you have previously bought three different Duchy Originals products? 20 points
  3. Have you ever taken a holiday in a Lonely Planet destination? 15 points
  4. Do you have a bidet in your bathroom? 10 points
  5. Does your kitchen have a free-standing island? 20 points
  6. Is anyone in your family named Phoebe? 10 points
  7. Would you know what to do with a mezzaluna? 5 points
  8. Can you name 5 uses for truffle oil? 10 points