Thursday 20 February 2020 by Danny Walsh

Under-fire Boris Johnson praying Meghan Markle does something slightly controversial soon


Boris Johnson wants Meghan to draw attention from him

In the midde of what could best be described as ‘a tumultuous period’, Prime Minister Boris Johnson is desperately hoping Meghan Markle does something – absolutely anything – soon, in order to take some heat away from him for a few days.

With the forced resignation of a racist eugenicist and his own-going lacklustre response to flooding in parts of the UK, Boris is extremely keen for people’s eyes to be somewhere else.

“If Meghan could just come out and say something sort-of-but-not-really negative about British culture, that would be ideal,” said a Downing Street source, before having their leash yanked viciously until they disappeared behind the famous Number 10 door.

Unfortunately for Boris Johnson and all the snowflakes of the land, Meghan and Harry are set to close their Royal office by April. Therefore, he will have to rely on other methods of distraction, such as fathering untold baseborn children, and wasting millions on unbuilt bridges.

We are yet to hear from the Prime Minister for comment, as are the many areas of Britain affected by flooding. As the #WheresBoris hashtag takes flight, many believe the PM has, too.

“#WheresBoris when you need him? Probably sh*gging a secretary bareback in the Caribbean telling lies about the EU!”, tweeted MrLarvaLarva1 from Cardiff.

“Boris gives it all that for elections but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t care. Soggy biscuit bastard…”, wrote PeterPinter0451, whose profile picture is of two turtles having intercourse.

With many denouncing the Prime Minister’s absence at a time when his people need him most, he knows that it would only take one Meghan quote to make it all go away.

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