UK introduces Eurovision-style points-based system for immigration

author avatar by 4 years ago

The UK has announced its brand new post-Brexit system to manage immigration.

The system will be a Eurovision-style points-based system that will see only those capable of producing high-quality disco and Europop being welcomed into the country.

Immigration applications will be judged by a variety of DJs, popstars, and TV hosts from across the world who will be asked to award a series of points to the applicants.

The points will be awarded for style, performance and skimpiness of costume and will range from one to twelve points.

There will then be a public vote to give the British people the chance to award their points to potential immigrants.

It is expected that applicants with a heavy accent or different colour skin will face problems accumulating points at this stage, so they are advised to wear only their pants and give a really impressive performance at the application stage.

“A Eurovision-style points-based system is exactly what was promised during the Brexit campaign,” explained Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard Priti Patel.

“We may have said ‘Australian-style points-based system’ but I think that everyone understood that we meant something completely different – a Eurovision-style points-based system.

“Because it’s definitely not lying to say one thing but mean another.”

It is understood that the government considered introducing a different immigration system based on job-offers, salary thresholds, and arbitrary ‘shortage occupations’.

“Yes, we did think about doing that,” continued Patel.

“But we realised it was completely stupid, so we went for the far more credible Eurovision-style points-based system instead.”