Inspired by Greece’s demand for a return of the Elgin Marbles if the UK wants a free trade agreement with the EU, Italy has insisted that British people stop debasing Italian food, and while we’re at it they can leave off the stupid ‘Mamma Mia’ impressions.
Simone Guillermini, the Italian attache to the EU, explained that her country wanted few concessions from Britain, but if the UK was dumb enough to make its economic future subject to 27 vetos then it made sense to ask for something.
She went on, “We don’t have any real issues like Gibraltar or historical grievances like the Elgin Marbles but it is seriously annoying to see the shit you serve and call ‘Italian food’.
“If you want to cook mince stew with pasta, that’s fine, but don’t blame that swill on the beautiful city of Bologna. So if you don’t want to join Mauritania as the only nation on earth that trades solely under WTO rules then you’re banned from owning Vespas. You can blame the Shoreditch hipsters for that one.”
Although Greece, Italy and Spain are the only EU countries so far to state their preconditions for a free-trade agreement with the UK, Ms Guillermini explained that other nations are expected to follow suit.
“There is a rumour that Malta wants three visits a year from the Queen, and Romania will ask for £3 million Euros each time the Daily Mail has a pop at its citizens.
“Giggle if you want, but your nation has just made its economic future dependant on the goodwill of the Walloon parliament. Ever heard of Jean Claude Marcourt? No? You should, because you’ll have to give him a state visit if he wants it.
“Feeling sovereign now?”