Parents of a twelve-year-old girl have expressed concern that her vegan friends may be leading her wildly off the rails, according to reports this morning.
Simon and Brenda Williams told us of their worries for their daughter Olivia, who, to their horror, they found last week eating falafel and seeming to enjoy it.
“You hear about kids going to secondary school, getting in with the wrong crowd and making terrible life choices, but we’d never thought it would happen to our Olivia,” lamented Simon, tucking into a bacon and sausage roll, his fat red face bulging with rage and cholesterol.
“We had our concerns about her friend Heidi in particular, after that time she came round our house and said she was a supporter of Greta Thunberg. We knew then she was a wrong ‘un.”
Taking a sip of his milkshake he went on, “And now she seems to have tempted our daughter with this vegan nonsense. And Olivia just doesn’t look her normal self – her complexion is glowing, she seems to have a lot more energy and is just generally more healthy as a result of this dreadful lifestyle.”
Crying tears of grease from a lifetime of consuming dead pigs, he concluded, “It’s so traumatic for a parent to see someone who used to get heartburn from wolfing down KFC now happily eating a vegan dinner before going off to play football.
“Hopefully it’s just a phase she’ll grow out of. And she has been growing a lot more recently, which is probably just a coincidence.”