Markets stabilise as Boris assures Cabinet continuity of craven pandering and f*cktarded incompetence

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The pound rose along with FTSE 100 shares as Boris Johnson sent a clear message that his dramatic reshuffle would not alter his government’s course of mishandling doomed vainglorious projects while periodically throwing red meat to racists and xenophobes.

Simon Williams, a slovenly 27-year-old think-tank researcher with connections to Breitbart who is now responsible for telling the Chancellor of the Exchequer what he is allowed to say, briefed journalists on the changes.

“It’s understandable that the City was jittery at the prospect of new faces but we have shown them that they can count on this government to utterly balls up the day-to-day handling of the nation while throwing oodles of cash at vanity projects.

“Those who run hedge funds know that shorting of British bonds and sterling is still on course for a massive payout when the transition period ends and we have done fuck-all except commission mock-ups of absurd public engineering boondoggles.

“And to guarantee that across the board, we have made sure all ministers now have to obey unelected spads selected from the world of tabloid journalism and shifty right-wing institutes with very opaque funding streams.”

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Mr Williams was adamant that making Dominic Cummings the centre of all government was the key to predictability.

“We consolidated all decision making into the hands of a misanthrope who proudly proclaims he knows sod all about governance and thinks those who do are wankers. Now the entire machinery of state can be geared towards placating Daily Mail readers and making people who own megayachts even richer when we completely tank the economy.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to tell the Chancellor he has to walk the PM’s dog every morning.”