American businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri has stepped in to help out her former lover Boris Johnson, whose explanation of his Mustique holiday funding was found out to be false, by explaining she dropped fifteen-grand as a way to thank him for awakening her womanhood.
Simon Williams, Ms Arcuri’s attorney, gave a statement to the press maintaining there was nothing wrong for random folk to give elected officials expensive stuff and, you know, vice-versa.
He went on, “Ms Arcuri has decided she wants to help Boris Johnson and his much younger girlfriend have a nice time away from the UK, because that’s what people do. They help each other. With money. It’s all perfectly normal.
“What goes one way can come back the other. One day your American Business gets cash from a fund designed to help London start-ups and another day you pay for a Prime Minister to boff his latest floozy in the Grenadines.”
Mr Williams explained that the motivation to spend the money was purely personal and in no way a quid pro quo.
“As for why she paid, well she has fond memories of Mr Johnson’s constructive feedback on her pole dancing and the sensuous way his jowls wobbled when she rode him like a beaten mule.
“But that’s frankly a side issue. What really matters is that we all agree that’s is okay for wealthy people, with much to gain from government favours, to shower ministers with expensive gifts.
“Of course it’s not Banana Republic style corruption. It’s completely different.
“Everybody involved is white!”