As more people become diagnosed with the Wuhan coronavirus, the government has recommended increasing public panic levels from moderate to high.
This means increased hoarding of crisps and toilet roll, making up coronavirus systems – such as ‘it turns your face blue’ and ‘your fingernails explode’ – and calling anyone who sneezes a wanker.
“The coronavirus is definitely our number one concern,” said Matt Hancock, a little schoolboy who won a competition to become Health minister.
“As such we are recommending an increase in public panic.
“There are some so-called ‘experts’ who will say that large-scale public panic is never a good thing and will invariably make life much more difficult for everyone.
“But balls to them, right? What do they know? Pricks.”
Mr Hancock made it clear that the time for people quietly and calmly going about their business while being making sure they wash their hands has passed.
“Just washing your hands? That’s never going to do anything. No, you need to panic! Wrap your entire family in binbags, go and live in Finland, slaughter all the cows.”
Despite the increase in recommended panic, the government has stopped short of recommending all-out hysteria leading to the complete breakdown of society with attendant inter-species marriages, devil-worship, and people just going to the toilet in the street.
“No,” confirmed Mr Hancock.
“That’s pencilled in for next Tuesday.”