As part of their initiative to protect both America’s children and the sanctity of the learning environment, the NRA has proposed issuing silenced pistols to librarians.
Speaking to reporters at the launch of their bold new plan, NRA spokesman Simon-Bob Williams said the regular crackle and bang of gunfire in the nation’s libraries and classrooms caused an unwelcome distraction in the learning environment.
School and library guidelines suggest a maximum sound level of 50 decibels to maintain the optimum noise levels for learning, whilst the retort of an AR-15 can exceed 160 decibels – a disparity the NRA recognised as being a serious concern when children are supposed to be concentrating instead of worrying about gunfire.
“Guns aren’t quiet things, and teachers and librarians fighting off armed assailants can make a heck of a lot of noise – and we take that very seriously,” said Williams.
“By issuing guns fitted with suppressors and silencers to librarians, we can help ensure that the sacred precincts of our learning environment remain oases of calm, no matter how heavily armed their assailants, or how desperate their defence.
“Thanks to these new tools, our great nation’s libraries will be havens of tranquillity, where our children can learn in a quiet environment, even on fully automatic,” he concluded.
“Heck, I doubt they’ll even notice they’re under attack until the ambulances arrive.”