Wednesday 12 February 2020 by Arabin Patson

Londoners suffering from anxiety at the thought of waking up to find Rory Stewart asleep on their sofa


Rory Stewart to sleep on London's sofas

Rory Stewart, the independent London mayoral candidate affectionately known as Posh Gollum, has caused the capital’s residents to fear going into their own living room in case they find him in his pyjamas ready to ask them what they really want out of politicians.

Simone Williams, a Streatham resident who has decided to stay with her Mum in Kent until the election is over, reckoned she was not alone at being creeped out at the prospect of a gaunt well-spoken squatter who openly wants to stalk each and every Londoner.

She said, “Why did he think that we want to have political candidates rock up with a sleeping bag and a set of questions about our personal life?

“I know he speaks very softly but that just makes him more sinister. He’s got that look of a man who does flower arranging in the buff and knows too much about how quickly a human can bleed out.

“Also, London has over eight million people living in it. Spending the night with Londoners seems like a very slow way of developing policies. What does he think he’ll get out of it?

“Usually when I have a mate stay over it’s because we’re arseholed and I told them I can make a great mojito. There are not many policy ideas he could glean from that, beyond making it illegal to wear a fleece on a date.”

Ms Williams sincerely hoped Rory Stewart’s initiative would not start a trend.

She went on, “Can you imagine someone like Boris trying that?

“I need to get a dog.”

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