Let’s build a bridge across 20 miles of open water, says man who failed miserably to build a bridge over 200 metres of open water

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Boris Johnson has given the go-ahead to explore building a bridge between Northern Ireland and Scotland, given his stellar track record at building bridges across water.

As sources confirmed the government is exploring the feasibility of joining Scotland and Northern Ireland by means of a road bridge, many experts have insisted they wouldn’t trust Boris Johnson to build a lego bridge with their children.

A government insider told us, “We’d like very much for you to focus on us looking at this wonderful and ambitious engineering project that will further connect these wonderful isles – and not at the other stuff we’ve released today; like our plans to introduce comprehensive border checks post-Brexit and economic growth being literally zero last quarter.

“Boris is building a bridge – yay! There is no way this could possibly go wrong! Except of course if it goes like the only other time he’s tried to build a bridge.  Which it won’t, obviously.”

Voter Simon Williams told us, “The garden bridge was a nice idea, I suppose, but by Christ almighty he made a god-awful catastrofuck of it, didn’t he? I mean, if you’re going to burn £50m of the taxpayers’ money, you might as well do it in a way that allows the homeless to keep warm for a few days, right?

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“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Boris and his bridges, it’s that we should go back and look for whatever it was he was trying to misdirect us from when he announced the garden bridge.

“My money’s on yet another affair.”