A fox that wandered into the House of Parliament yesterday evening ended up being savagely ripped to shreds by a pack of Tory MPs, it has emerged.
The fox was spotted by staff climbing a staircase and making its way into Portcullis House, evading police as it went, only for its luck to run out as it inadvertently headed towards the rooms of some Conservative members.
One witness, a cleaner called Simon, told us what happened next.
“I saw the poor little thing trot past the cleaning cupboard, and I was just trying to find a bag to humanely grab it in to put it outside, when suddenly I hear a commotion and look down the corridor to see fifteen to twenty Tory MPs running towards me, led by Jacob Rees-Mogg brandishing an antique hunting horn that he presumably just had lying around.
“I haven’t seen him smile so much since his wife’s ancestral home was refurbished with £7.6m of the taxpayer’s money.”
He continued, “Theresa May was the first to reach the fox, and swiftly bit into one of the hind legs, bringing it to the ground for the others to set upon. She looked delighted, but then it is the only thing she’s actually managed to deliver in the last decade.
“Then about half an hour later Mark Francois came trotting along, red in the face and panting. Not because he was taking part in the impromptu fox hunt – I think he was just making his way home after a busy day fuming at the European Union.”
Cleaner Simon concluded, “It’s left one of the corridors in a bit of a state, I can tell you – that lot must be used to having blood on their hands after years of austerity, but I don’t think they realise how hard it is to get physical blood out of the carpet.”