US Senate finds bear not guilty of shitting in woods

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The US Senate has stunned wildlife watchers after acquitting brown bear, Derek Williams, of public defecation in the large wooded area where he lives.

Senators voted 53 to 47 to clear the bear, despite compelling evidence that the bear had clearly taken a shit in the woods; evidence which included the bear himself saying he had taken a shit in the woods, but claiming that he was allowed to do it because he’s a bear.

Prosecution lawyer Chuck Matthews told us, “We are disappointed in the Senate in failing to find the bear guilty.  They know he did it, the people know he did – Hell, the bear himself ADMITTED he did it.

“Unfortunately, the Republicans look after their own and being able to shit wherever they want is a big part of their political beliefs. They were never going to find the bear guilty, even if he took a shit on their picnic blanket in the middle of the woods.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “This bear remains an ongoing threat to grassy areas everywhere, and he has normalised wood-shitting.”

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Meanwhile, the bear told reporters, “Thankfully the witchhunt is over! As I’ve said all along, I did not shit in those woods, despite me clearly shitting in those woods, and admitting it.

“This is America, the greatest nation on earth – not some tin-pot banana republic where you find bears guilty of shitting in the woods simply because they took a shit in the woods.”

Next week the Senate is expected to find the Pope not guilty of being Catholic.