‘At least I’ve never left my daughter in the pub’ insists David Cameron’s bodyguard

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After David Cameron’s bodyguard left his gun in an aeroplane toilet, he has been quick to point out that he has never left his daughter in a pub.

Close protection officer, Simon Williams, has been removed from operational duties while an investigation is ongoing, but has pointed out that nothing happened when David Cameron left behind his eight-year-old daughter Nancy at the Plough Inn in Cadsden.

He told us, “I get it, leaving a gun in an aeroplane toilet is a big no-no, but have you ever tried to sit on one of those cubicle toilets? You have to take off almost everything just to squeeze yourself into position.  Can you imagine trying to have sex in one of those places? Christ, I could barely take a shit.

“I had no choice but to take my holster off, and obviously I forgot it when I realised there were no hand towels.

“But let’s be honest, it was an inanimate object with zero sentimental value – it’s not like I left my own flesh and blood in a room full of drunken strangers, is it?

“Remind me what sanctions David faced when he left Nancy behind? Oh yeah, none whatsoever. But me? I get suspended.  Once again it’s one rule for him, and another for the rest of us.

“However, now I’m suspended I’m apparently free to tell you that he always travels with a fresh pig’s head in his hand luggage, and spends at least an hour locked in the toilet on every single flight we take.”