Saturday 1 February 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Britain already 36% more British since leaving the EU


Nation 36% more British on first day after Brexit

Early indications are that Brexit has been a success with reports suggesting that Britain has already become 36% more British since leaving the EU last night.

From all across the country there has been an increase in cups of tea, businessmen wearing bowler hats and casual xenophobia.

“I don’t think anyone was predicting the Britishness of Britain to increase quite so much, in quite such a short amount of time,” said Simon Williams, Professor of Brexit and made-up old bollocks at Oxford University.

“To be honest, I’d question the figures myself if I hadn’t seen examples of the increase in Britishness with my own eyes.

“Only this morning, I saw a working-class woman with a headscarf and a woodbine berating a German about the war.

“Why, I’ve even noticed my very own Britishness increasing after someone pushed in front of me while I was queuing at the urn for a cup of tea so I run them over in a red London bus.

“I think this certainly shows how successful Brexit has already been.”

Whilst the rise in the Britishness of Britain can only my seen as a good thing, there are concerns that it could increase to such a degree that it would be unsustainable.

“That is a worry,” confirmed Professor Williams.

“500% is the threshold. If Britishness increased by 500% then literally everyone would be the Queen, and then however would anything get done?”

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