Why do you think I put a g-spot up men’s bottoms? God asks Church of England

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The Church of England has apologised for saying sex is only for heterosexual married couples after God personally intervened.

An apology has been issued by the Church of England after they stated that gay people weren’t allowed to have sex.

The archbishops of York and Canterbury said sorry in a joint statement after God had a quiet word with them.

“Do you think it’s an accident that stimulation of the prostate gland via the male back passage is sexually gratifying?” asked God, appearing to senior Church of England figures in an aura of blinding light.

“I do wish you religious types would stop twisting my words. I sent you Jesus to spread the message of love and compassion and yet all you want to do is hate on people who aren’t exactly the same as you.

“Appreciate your commonalities but also make sure you celebrate your differences. The lives I’ve granted you are short – don’t waste them being hateful, petty twats determined to stop others enjoying a bit of bum-fun.

“Have as much consenting sex as you like folks – I don’t really give a shit who you’re doing it with or what orifices are involved.”

Archbishop Simon Williams is still reeling from the experience.

“Blimey,” he said. “All my life I’ve longed to hear the voice of God.

“Each day I’ve prayed ‘Speak to me, oh lord. I have dedicated my life to you – please reveal yourself’.

“I must admit I never expected him to talk about cocks going up anuses.”