Friday 31 January 2020 by Chris Ballard

‘Happy Brexit Day!’ shouts Remainer after being visited by three xenophobic ghosts


Man in bed visited by ghosts of Brexit

A man who wanted the UK to stay in the EU has had a change of heart after three bigoted spirits visited him in the night.

Simon Williams has the spent the last three years in an almost constant state of dismay at the way his fellow Brits are so keen to leave the European Union.

He would hear chat about ‘Britain’s bright new future’ and think ‘Humbug!’

But last night something incredibly strange happened.

“I was just drifting off to sleep when a ghastly figure materialised at the foot of my bed,” said Simon.

“A creepy, stick insect of a man dressed in Victorian clothes; he explained he was the ghost of Brexit past.

“He tapped my foot and suddenly I was in post-war Britain.

“‘Look how the children play freely in the street,’ said the ghost. ‘There is very little crime here. The government has not yet opened up the borders to let in those…other people’.

“‘But aren’t people still on rations?’ I asked. ‘Aren’t industries and public services hopelessly understaffed?’

“But then, bizarrely, he said he had to dash before nanny realised he was gone.

“I found myself back in bed, thinking I’d just had some sort of nightmare, when another ghost appeared – a hideous cackling man, puffing on a cigar, holding a pint of ale and waving a Union Flag.

“‘I’m the ghost of Brexit present,’ he said. ‘Follow me.’ He blew smoke into my face and I found myself on a commuter train. The people behind us were speaking German.

“‘Have you ever felt more uncomfortable in your life?’ asked the ghost.

“I had to admit I hadn’t, although that may have been the man’s terrible breath and the fact he was sloshing beer into my lap.

“‘Point made,’ said the cigar man and once again I was back in bed, alone and bewildered.

“Suspecting another visitation I didn’t attempt to sleep. Lo and behold there was soon another horrifying figure in my room – some sort of vagrant with a mess of thinning blonde hair and wearing an ill-fitting suit.

“‘Hello, old chap,’ he stammered. ‘I’m the ghost of Brexit future. Come on – let’s get this done!’

“He took me to a future where Brexit hadn’t happened and it was truly terrifying. All shops were Polish supermarkets. Wearing burkas was mandatory – for men and for women. Speaking English was punishable by death.

“The ghost said nothing more. He simply squeezed my shoulder and I was back in bed. The dawn light was creeping through the curtains.

“I opened the window to get some air. A young lad was hurrying past on his way to a school.

“‘You boy!’ I shouted. ‘What day is it?’

“‘Why, it’s Brexit Day sir!’ he replied.

“Be a good lad and run along to the meat-packing factory, I said. Fetch me the fattest, juiciest Eastern European worker you can find. I have years of intolerance and abuse to catch up on! There’s a fiver in it for you!”

The boy ran off as fast as he could.

“‘Happy Brexit Day my boy!’ I called after him.

“Happy Brexit Day everyone!”

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