Union Flag thoroughly embarrassed by Nigel Farage

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The UK’s national flag has said it feels nothing but shame at the way it was handled by Nigel Farage and his hateful band of small-minded Brexit Party MEPs.

Yesterday the European Parliament ratified the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement. MEPs overwhelming backed the terms of the UK’s departure – mainly to ensure they’d never have to see Nigel Farage again.

At the end of the session, Farage ranted about the EU while waving the Union flag around like a toddler at their big brother’s sports day.

The flag has now spoken out about the horror it felt at being manhandled in this manner.

“MEPs from across the EU were genuinely sad to see us leave,” it said.

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“They spoke of the UK in generous and heartfelt terms; it was a dignified and respectful send-off.

“And then that Farage twat got up to speak.

“When he grabbed me I tried to struggle free – to drop to the floor and roll under the table. But it was no use – I’m an inanimate object, a mere symbol to be used and abused by the wielder.

“But I would like to make it crystal clear – I wanted no part of that divisive, jingoistic nonsense masquerading as patriotism.

“Ugh, the thought of his slimy fingers gripping my pole…”

Meanwhile, MEPs from across the EU were baffled when some Tories stood up and started waving tea towels.

“That showed them!” said Conservative Simon Williams.

“We’re leaving and our dishes are going to be bone dry – get over it!

“Although I still think we should have sold commemorative toilet paper. I’m no marketing expert but I have a feeling loo roll emblazoned with the image of Boris Johnson would have flown off the shelves.”