Labour Party report blames pixies and faeries for election loss

author avatar by 4 years ago

A new Labour report into the last election has laid the blame for the devastating defeat on pixies and faeries.

The faeries and pixies, according to the report, cast mischievous spells on the electorate and made them vote against Jeremy Corbyn.

“Antisemitism? Corbyn’s incompetence? An unbelievable manifesto? The public’s unwillingness to drag the country too far left? No, the reason we lost that election is because of pixies and faeries,” said report author and totally unbiased man Ian Lavery.

“They are right bastards, those pixies and faeries.”

The report also criticised the ‘mainstream media’ which was definitely came as a surprise to everyone.

It went on, “It was important to state that the mainstream media parroted the narrative that Corbyn was incompetent, dictatorial and incapable of relating to the electorate when really it was pixies and faeries casting their mischievous spells.”

The report also claimed that the pixies and faeries could have been acting on behalf of a foreign government.

“It seems likely that a foreign power was involved,” said Lavery.

“Definitely not Russia, obviously. But possibly Israel? It could well have been Zionist pixies and faeries doing everything in their power to stop Jeremy – it’s something we’ll have to look into.”

The report recommends that the way forward for Labour is a purge on pixies and faeries and then the election of an out-of-his-depth old man obsessed with 70s foreign policy as leader, because when they’re not under the influence of pixies and faeries, that’s definitely what people want.