Monday 27 January 2020 by Arabin Patson

UK safe from coronavirus as Boris Johnson orders “All is well” to be painted on red buses


Boris has new coronavirus bus created

In view of the growing epidemic of coronavirus in China and worldwide, the government has announced a series of measures like painting slogans on red buses, declaring that the UK is the healthiest nation on earth and training ministers to steal journalists’ phones.

However, some experts believe that the lack of declared cases in Britain might be a case of palming off being unable to track people as careful planning, as explained Dr Simon Williams, an epidemiologist at the University of Croydon.

“It’s possible that the UK has no cases even though it has more flights from China and a much much worse health system than France, which has three.

“Or it could be that there are cases but they have not been detected due to our government’s legendary incompetence. That means the virus could be here and merrily spreading and no one is doing diddly fuck beyond sending Priti Patel to smirk on telly.

“Fun fact; they still haven’t set up a phone number so that people who came from infected regions can self-report. If you’ve got flu-like symptoms and you’ve just come from China, the official advice is to make an appointment with your GP. So you should be seen in a brisk 2-3 weeks in which you hopefully haven’t suffered sequential organ failure.”

Other government branches have reacted to the crisis. As the US and Japan send planes to Wuhan to fly out their citizens, the Foreign Office has recommended to British nationals that they evacuate a place in complete lockdown because, yes, they are that fucking inept.

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