We’re banning sex outside heterosexual marriage because it never did the Catholics any harm, insists Church of England

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Encouraging people to avoid sex outside of heterosexual marriage never did followers of the Catholic church any harm, according to the Church of England today.

The Church is issuing guidance that sexual intercourse is only to be enjoyed by those in a heterosexual marriage (to each other), and should not be something enjoyed by homosexuals regardless of their married status, and the unmarried of all sexual persuasions.

Vicar Simon Williams told us, “When we say we want you to fight a perfectly natural urge that has been instilled in you by billions of years of evolution, we see no reason why this might lead to any unfortunate side effects.

“Celibacy is a wonderful idea that we think should be embraced by everyone not currently in a heterosexual marriage.  It’s perfectly natural, apart from the fact that actually being celibate in nature would quickly see the end of your gene pool.  If anything, you could argue it’s more natural to be rutting morning noon and night with whoever crosses your path. But we’re not making that argument.

“If we’ve learnt anything from the catholic church across the world, it’s that making it sinful for adherents to engage in sexual activity does absolutely nothing to drive those sexual urges in unpleasant directions.  I think it actually makes them more holy.

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“Yes it does, shut up.”

A spokesperson for the General Synod told us, “It is essential that the church takes a very keen interest in what its followers do with their genitals.

“It is essential because Jesus was forever obsessing about where people put their dicks and what they put in their vaginas.  It’s in a bit of the Bible you don’t know about.

“Yes it is, shut up.”