Man’s Dry January seemingly enters fourteenth year

author avatar by 4 years ago

Basingstoke resident Simon Williams has today entered what seems like the fourteenth year of dry January.

Having not had a drink since New Year’s Eve, Williams, 45, remains convinced that he has been voluntarily sober for well over a decade now.

“Somone told me it’s been twenty-three days, but that’s impossible. That would mean it’s only been just over three weeks, not the bleakest decade on record, which is what it actually feels like. Does sobriety somehow bend the time-space continuum?

“It’s been so long that I’ve sort of forgotten what wine actually tastes like, in much the same way I can’t quite remember the faces of the people I worked with in my twenties, so it must be a similar amount of time since I’ve spent time with either of them, right?

“It says on my driving licence that I’m 45, but that must be a typo as in my head it feels like I’m about to turn 60 – it really has been that long, hasn’t it?”

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Meanwhile, Simon’s colleagues have insisted that time is moving at exactly the same pace as it always has, it’s just that Simon now remembers everything about every day, rather going to the pub every lunchtime and shuffling his way through each morning with a hangover.

Another of his colleagues told us, “Sober Simon moans a lot. I mean, a lot. I know it’s not a very modern thing to say, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say we can’t wait until he starts drinking again. Roll on February.”

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