Royal Mail to become ‘Mail’ as it steps back from delivery duties

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The UK’s postal service is to lose its royal prefix because it no longer wants to deliver letters.

After 500 years of delivering post, the Royal Mail has had enough. Despite not being qualified to do anything else the Mail – as it will now be called – just wants to get away from the scrutiny of the British tabloid press.

“I used to be able to mind my own business,” said the Mail. “Sure, there were always curtain twitchers watching out for a delivery but that’s only to be expected when you have a certain level of fame.

“But then the media started using tracked delivery. My every movement would be constantly scrutinised for 24 or sometimes even 48 hours. I couldn’t even take a shit without someone making a complaint about my poor service.

“Also, sending all that paper around isn’t good for the environment and I feel so guilty encouraging people to behave like this.

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“I can’t go on. I’m moving to Canada where vast distances and extreme weather means a delivery service can live their life without an unrealistic level of expectation being heaped upon their shoulders.”

Some Royal commentators believe that the Mail was perfectly happy operating a first-class service until second-class came along and made everything worse.

“There is no doubt that second-class has been a highly negative influence on the Royal Mail,” said Royal Correspondent Simon Williams.

“It’s led to longer delivery times, funny colour stamps – it’s been downhill all the way since that lazy hussy got her claws into the service.”