Thursday 16 January 2020 by Chris Ballard

Bond producers reassure fans that 007 will always be a violent misogynist


James Bond will not become a woman

The producers of the James Bond films have confirmed that the secret agent will continue to behave abhorrently towards women.

As Daniel Craig’s tenure as James Bond comes to an end there’s increasing pressure for the character to move into the twenty-first century. For example, perhaps 007 could be female? Doctor Who did it, after all.

“No, no, no,” said Producer Simon Williams.

“Making Bond into a woman would be a total betrayal of the character Ian Fleming created in the fifties.

“Just read the books, for heaven’s sake. In Casino Royale – the very first one – Bond anticipates a sexual encounter as it has ‘the tang of rape’.

“In the Goldfinger novel Pussy Galore is explicitly a lesbian – until, that is James Bond cures her. Yes, I said ‘cures’.

“So you see, we can’t really make Bond female while still remaining faithful to Fleming and his outdated ideas, that weren’t all that outdated sixty years ago.

“What we should probably do instead is just stop making Bond films. But, you know, they make us loads of money and lots of people seem to enjoy them… so…

“Here’s the upcoming slate of titles starring a soon-to-be-announced new male lead to take over from Daniel Craig:

– You Know You Want To (2023)
– No Means Yes (2025)
– The Spy Who Cured Me of My Deviant Homosexuality (2028)
– A View to a Perv (2030)
– Phwoar! (2033)
– Cheer Up Darlin’ (2035)
– A Smack on the Bum (2037)

“There. That should be more than enough of the same old crap to ensure the box office dollars keep rolling in!”

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