Tuesday 14 January 2020 by Chris Ballard

Nicholas Witchell adds warning of ‘flash photography’ in feeble attempt to make royal report more exciting


Nicholas Witchell on royal issues

BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell has resorted to warning viewers about flash photography just to spice up his incredibly tedious work.

Nicholas Witchell was standing in a field outside the Sandringham estate freezing his bollocks off. It was nearly one o’clock and soon he’d be broadcasting live to the nation, explaining what was going on with the Harry and Meghan ‘crisis talks.’

Except he had nothing. The members of the royal entourage he’d approached for information had all told him to fuck off.

Before he knew it his editor was counting him in. Three, two, one…

“Good afternoon, I’m Nicholas Witchell.

“Somewhere behind me the Queen and other members of the Royal Family will be discussing how the Duke and Duchess of Sussex can step away from royal duties.

“All the key players may already be here or they might be arriving soon. The talks are likely to begin at any moment, if indeed they haven’t already. Hell, they may even have finished for all I know, which is f*ck all.”

Witchell then had a brainwave.

“The following report contains flash photography!” he blurted. “Excitement, danger, watch if you dare!”

There was then a short VT of a car driving through one of Sandringham’s gates. It then cut back to a clearly depressed Witchell.

“I used to read the news, you know. Got to work in a nice warm studio. Had a little respect. Now I just have to prance around after these royal twats.

“Prince Charles was actually caught on camera saying ‘I can’t bear that man’ about me. I mean, how the hell does the BBC expect me to get the inside story on the royals when I’m faced with that sort of open hostility?!

“I’m done! It’s cold, I’m tired and I’ve fucking had enough! Twenty-two years as a royal correspondent. What a fucking waste of a life.

“To my wife and children, if you’re watching – I know I must be a bitter disappointment. I love you and I’m sorry.

“This is Nicholas Witchell, BBC News, Sandringham.”

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