Manchester United have announced they are leaving the ‘small potatoes’ English Premier League to concentrate on improving their position near the top of the Deloitte Football Money League, where they have dropped down the rankings.
Manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer said, “It’s nice for Man U to finish third in a league for a change, even though this one is nothing to do with football per se, but we must do better.
“Football has become less and less about football since the advent of the Premier League and finally we’ve made the logical decision to take the actual sport out of the equation.
“This makes a lot of sense for this football club at this time.
“It also means we can oust the footballers, currently the biggest drain of money this club has ever seen. We’ve made more money than any other club in the world but think how much we would have made if we didn’t have to pay the likes of Alexis Sanchez, Romalu Lukaku and Paul Pogba each 500 grand a week to ineffectively prance around the pitch.
“No, much better to get rid of the football entirely and maximize the money coming into the club.”
Supporter Simon Williams, a season ticket holder since before he was born and wearing all three of this week’s new replica shirts, said, “This is the natural, organic step forward for this club. For too long we, as loyal and devoted football fans, have had to put results entirely to chance by relying on players.
“Now, we’re safe in the knowledge that each Saturday we can turn up, sit in our seats and watch the cash registers spin as the money flows in. The cheer as we pass each billion will be much louder and more satisfying than watching us fight out a disappointing one-all against a Burnley team who have parked the bus.
“Oh yes. This is much more preferable.”
Liverpool and Man City fans have shown their support by agreeing this course of action is indeed in the best interests of the game.