Prince Harry has finally snapped and is offering a fist-fight to anyone and everyone in the royal family.
The House of Windsor had expected to sit down to an afternoon of semi-civilised discussion at Sandringham following the Prince’s shock decision to step down as a senior royal and go it alone with his wife and child.
However, such plans were immediately dashed when the embattled prince rocked up with a half-empty bottle of famous grouse.
“Wheresh Uncle Andrew, that…that f**king…NONCE,” slurred Harry, spinning around and accidentally twatting an aide in the face.
“Sershly, you all want a peesh of THISH?! You can… you can come and TRYYYY!”
Prince Harry then mounted the dining table in front of his horrified family, singing Land of Hope and Glory while removing his jacket before doing some shadow-boxing that could be generously described as “messy”.
A palace spokesperson said, “Oh God…it’s his 18th birthday party all over again.
“I get that he’s upset but there are very, very clear rules about offering a fistfight with the Queen, even if she is your nan, and most of those rules boil down to “don’t”.
“He is quite feisty… Prince Philip suggested that Prince Harry might like to “get down from the table, you daft cunt”, to which Harry replied “AAAaaaand what if I don’t, you…you ZOMBIE? Whayagonnado, have me killed and make it look like a car crash?
“Then Philip leapt onto the table and decked his grandson. He does find the energy when someone has a go.”