Friday 10 January 2020 by Pete Redfern

Mark Francois to celebrate Britain’s withdrawal from the EU by ringing Big Ben with his cock


Mark Francois to ring in Brexit with Big Ben

After it was decided that Big Ben wouldn’t be rung on 31st January to mark Brexit, Mr Francois is understood to be planning to take matters – and his penis – into his own hands.

Territorial Army Catering Corps greatest loss and Tory MP Mark Francois told reporters, “There is nothing more troubling to me in the whole world than the thought that we would leave the EU to a backdrop of utter silence.

“This is Britain’s finest moment and I will not countenance us taking this grand step without the sound of Big Ben bonging away in the background. As such, I will strike it with my ‘Member of Parliament’ if it comes to it and it’ll be just as grand and heartwarming a sight for all who see and hear it as the opening of the 2012 Olympics.”

One civil servant in Westminster, who is understood to have heard him having a practise, told us, “I was up the Tower that houses Big Ben the other day having a cheeky fag break, when suddenly I heard a funny little sound – kind of like a mouse playing a toy cymbal.

“I looked around, and three feet away from me was Mark Francois with his penis in hand, striking the bell as hard as he could. But I looked away when he started to orgasm, it was pretty horrific to be honest.”

Political commentator Simon Williams remarked, “When the leavers said they wanted to mark Brexit with a giant bell, this probably wasn’t what they had in mind.”

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