“Epstein’s prison CCTV file erased itself” confirm US prosecutors

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CCTV footage from Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell has mysteriously disappeared because of course it has.

American prosecutors went looking for the footage only to find it wasn’t there, just like Epstein’s suicide note.

“Oh, how unfortunate,” said prison CCTV operative, Simon Williams, clapping a hand to his forehead.

“That is very mysterious alright. I don’t know what could have happened to the CCTV footage of the moment a paedophile with numerous ties to numerous powerful people killed himself.

“It must have erased ITSELF. Digital video footage can do that you know, especially if it’s feeling depressed.

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“Hmm? Oh no, this large brown bag with a dollar sign is where I keep my sandwiches.”

Government Black Ops specialist, S**** W*******, said “of course we fucking deleted it. You know why? Because it’s incredibly funny.

“There are fifteen different assassins working for fifteen different governments and/or celebrities all trying to squeeze themselves into a small cell before arguing over the best way to tie a noose.

“At one point, one of the wittier assassins loses his rag and says ‘You really put the ‘special’ into ‘special ops’, don’t you, Bradley?’ Honestly, it’s like a scene from The Thick Of It, only with a bit more murder.

“We deleted the footage for the fact it makes professional hitmen look ridiculous as much as we want to hide the fact Epstein was murdered.

“Our business is one of integrity, you know?”

Lucas Wilde would like to make clear in advance that he didn’t kill himself either.