Queen consults EU for tips on how to make it difficult for people to leave your organisation

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Reeling from the news that Harry and Meghan want to step away from the Royal Family Her Majesty has approached the EU for advice on how to make leaving as difficult as possible.

Furious that her grandson and his tart of a wife want to leave the family business the Queen has approached former EU chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier to get some tips on how to delay the exit process as much as possible.

“Firstly, hide your disappointment and anger,” said Barnier. “Tell them that of course they can leave, but that you need to negotiate terms.

“It is then during this negotiating process where you can throw all sorts of spanners in the works.

“Look for divisions between the members of the leaving party. For example, you could say ‘if you leave you cannot dress up as Nazis.’

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“Meghan won’t mind this but Harry would be upset.

“Or perhaps ‘you can leave but you won’t get Wimbledon tickets.’ Harry wouldn’t care but Meghan would be devastated.

“The point is they will have discussions about these things which would take time. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months turn into years. Go long enough they might decide not to leave at all.

“The other key tactic is to space out the negotiating meetings – I would suggest one a month at very most. This prevents quick resolutions to simple problems.

“Finally, it’s important to have a lengthy transition period. Perhaps tell them that they can halve their public duties in the first year but make them do the crap ones like the Royal Variety Performance.

“If you’re lucky they’ll get sick of the whole process and decide to remain after all.

“Either that or they’ll crash out on bad terms and the rest of their lives will be shit.

“It’s a win-win!”