ITV to launch ‘The Masked Left-Winger’ to decide next Labour leader

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Contenders for the Labour leadership will take it in turns to face Boris Johnson in PMQs while dressed head to toe in fancy dress.

After its devastating election defeat, the Labour party needs to re-establish itself as a serious political force in which people can trust. Party officials have therefore decided that leadership candidates will all debate in the Commons while dressed in a range of amusing full-body costumes.

Simon Williams of Labour HQ explained how the process will work.

“It’s only fair that members vote based on an assessment of how well contenders face up to the Prime Minister in the heat of a Commons debate. After all, the whole point is to build a robust Opposition.

“Given that the leader of the Conservatives is basically a middle-aged man dressed up as the Honey Monster, it seems like a good idea for our guys to dress up too.

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“Every single aspect of their normal appearance will be hidden – this will ensure the substance of their speech is the only thing considered and will also make them more appealing to the general public.

“Lest it be revealed who’s wearing what, all those in the running will be required to keep their costumes on at all times until the grand final on 4th April which will be broadcast live on ITV1.

“We’ve even set up unisex toilets so people will just see, for example, Frank Sidebottom and an Imperial Stormtrooper go in for a wee without being able to guess their identity.”

Failed parliamentary candidate Lord Buckethead said, “It’s all a bit silly if you ask me.”