‘A war in Johnny Muslimland? Don’t panic, I’ve got this’ says Boris

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Actual, not-a-joke Prime Minister Boris Johnson has issued a statement to reassure the British people regarding events in Iran.

“Erm, yes, isn’t it? No? Well, yes. Hello, I’m Boris, the, erm, you know, chap in charge of everything. Get Brexit Done – all that,” said Mr Johnson as he combed Crunchy Nut Corn flakes out of his hair.

“I just want to take this opportunity to reassure everyone that I, a man who thinks Muslim women look like letterboxes and, is perfectly able to handle the events occurring in that Muslimland place just next to where we get our oil.”

Mr Johnson went on to clarify the position in Iran at the moment.

“Right then, yes. Bit scary.

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“So I was just listening to my Take That Greatest Hits album on the jolly old iPad when it did a thing and flashed up that some of those stroppy, shouty chaps who live in those places that look like a Call of Duty game had got ever so cross with America and launched some missiles or bombs or some bally thing.

“Oh, that new Call of Duty game was tremendous wasn’t it, in fact, does anyone fancy a quick game of-…oh yes, sorry Dom, need to say the reassuring thing! Of course, Must crack on with all that.

“So essentially, no one panic because I’m Boris and I’m brilliant at foreigners.”