Tuesday 7 January 2020 by Chris Ballard

Parents weep with joy as children go back to school


happy couple celebrate kids going back to school

Mums and Dads across the UK have realised that the unconditional love they feel for their children is actually very dependent on not spending more than two weeks in their company.

Father of two Simon Williams is currently euphoric as he relaxes in his office while drinking an entire cup of coffee without interruption.

“I woke up on Monday morning with a spring in my step. Never mind those Monday blues, Katie and Arthur were going back to school – hooray!

“Then I remembered it was Inset day. Sick instantly rose into my mouth – it burned my throat as I swallowed it back down.

“I shut myself in the toilet, fell to my knees and had a little cry.

“One more day of soft play, just when I thought I was free!

“This morning at the school gates I wept once again. However, this time I was joining all the other parents in waving goodbye to the kids through eyes veiled only with tears of joy. The happiness was almost overwhelming.

“I now have literally hours when I won’t have to shout ‘Go for a wee!’ or ‘Five more mouthfuls or there’s no pudding!’

“I won’t have to deliberately lose a game of Hungry Hippos when I’m clearly the best.

“I won’t have to watch a single episode of Paw Fucking Patrol!

“Don’t get me wrong – my children are my whole world. But, you know, at evenings and weekends.

“Now then, how to wangle a business trip that coincides with half term?”

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