Monday 6 January 2020 by Arabin Patson

Boris Johnson responded decisively to Iran crisis by having a wank in Mustique swimming pool, says Downing Street


Boris Johnson wanked into a pool

Faced with accusations, that he was lazing on a beach during a growing crisis that could see British soldiers killed, Downing Street affirmed the PM showed bold action by stealthily tossing off in the private resort pool before getting drunk and watching people dive in with their mouths open.

Number 10 spokesperson, Simon Williams, was adamant that the sudden decision to expose fellow guest of his exclusive Mustique holiday to floating globules of jizz, showed the Prime Minister was on top of things.

“If anyone deserves a holiday, it’s Boris. He just spent a gruelling month hiding from Andrew Neill and indulging in petty theft. No one would begrudge him a £50-grand fortnight with Pert Totty 136, also known as Carrie Symonds.

“But he is first and foremost a great statesman. When he was informed about the assassination of Qassem Suleimani by a member of the bar staff making conversation while preparing the PM’s breakfast daiquiri, he knew he had to take immediate action.

“A run-of-the-mill politician would have simply returned home to talk to generals and the head of MI6. But Boris is bringing new ways of governing to Whitehall and getting blasted from sun-up onwards while watching holiday-makers wonder why they feel sticky after their swim is the kind of asymmetrical thinking that makes him unique.”

Mr Williams was confident that the Prime Minister would keep abreast of any developments and would react depending on how the situation develops.

“Should Iran choose escalate with attacks on our forces in the Middle East, Boris Johnson will immediately eat sprouts then happily fart away in his ministerial car knowing the driver and bodyguard can’t say anything or even crack open a window.

“That’s the kind of leader he is.”

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