Britain is expected to achieve its zero-carbon targets almost thirty years early after Bram Stoker was discovered to be spinning in his grave at over 72,000 rpm overnight.
Seismologists had noticed a faint hum from Stoker’s last resting place on Thursday evening, which rose to a staggering speed at about 9:15 yesterday evening and shows no sign of abating.
”We quickly plugged him into a turbine and now he’s powering Wales and most of the South West on his tod,” explained power engineer Simon Williams.
”It’s a mystery what might have caused this to happen. Stoker has occasionally shifted in his eternal sleep – there was what’s known as the ‘Keanu disturbance’ in 1992, for example, but this is unprecedented.
”Possibly something on telly at just after, oooh, nine last night kicked him off and he’s gone like a rocket ever since.”
Scientists say that this couldn’t have happened at a better time, as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle – whose turning has been powering Birmingham from his grave since the finale of Sherlock several years ago – appears to be finally slowing down.