Missing persons case opened after ‘Dracula’ writer vanished up his own arse

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Detectives are understood to be baffled this morning after the writer of BBC’s ‘Dracula’ vanished up his own arse.

The incident is believed to have occurred at about 9:30pm last night, during the broadcast of the last episode of the series entitled ‘What the f*** is this?’.

Police are appealing for witnesses to the event, which coincided with the adventures of The Lord of the Un-Dead irrevocably turning into an episode of Hollyoaks directed by Quentin Tarantino.

“It’s a proper mystery,” we were told by an honest, salt of the earth copper of the sort who can’t investigate trails of corpses or find an eternal mass murderer who lists himself in the Yellow Pages as ‘Dr. A. Cula’.

“A real ‘ead scratcher. It’s that Mister Gatiss, sir. Vanished, ‘e ‘as. Right up ‘is own bum.

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“Gor blimey, an’ that Mister Moffat too. Both of ‘em at once.

“It ‘ad all been goin’ so well, what wiv superlative performances by Claes Bang an’ Dolly Wells, but even they was not enough to heave the two writers out of their own derrieres.

“A tragedy an’ no mistake.”

A reward has been offered for information aiding in the rescue of the writers, including a copy of the original book – an offer met with surprise by people involved in the show who didn’t know there was one.