Thursday 2 January 2020

Anti-Halal protesters demand all British loaves of bread are slaughtered more humanely


Man angry at his halal bread

Protesters against the ‘halalification’ of the nation’s foods have insisted the barbaric treatment of halal-certified bread must come to an end immediately.

After discovering that Warburtons bread is halal-friendly, angry simpletons across the Internet have wasted no time in taking an early lead in the competition for the ‘dumbest protest position of the decade’.

Simon Williams, one such angry simpleton told us, “I have done extensive reading on the Internet about what it means to be ‘halal’ – mainly reading images shared by regularly banned pages on Facebook – so I know that if bread is certified halal, then it must have been treated horrifically and probably had its throat cut without being stunned first.

“I’m British, not Muslamic, so I want my bread killed in the most humane way possible, not butchered according to the rules of some medieval religion that should be left in the dark ages.

“The do-gooder loony-left is probably happy having the blood of British loaves on their hands – but I am not. No sir.

“Which is why I am calling for the immediate addition of bacon to all bread in the UK. That’ll show them Muslamics!”

Rational consumers have reacted with surprise at the outrage, with Dierdre Matthews telling us, “I’m sure you know this already, but the bread is exactly the same, it’s just the caking agent no longer has any bone product in it, so it’s halal by default. That doesn’t feel that difficult to understand?

“I mean, Christ, these people are dim. But honestly, any campaign that is calling for more pre-packaged bacon sandwiches will get my support.”

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