Momentum warns against returning to Blairite ideas such as winning elections

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The left-wing advocacy group Momentum has urged Labour members not to be seduced by leadership candidates they suspect of wanting to bring back Blairism and its controversial methods of being popular, crushing the Tories at the ballot box and ruling for over a decade.

In the London neighbourhood of Spitalfields, Simon Williams, a young Momentum activist who can somehow afford to fanny around coffee shops all day, was adamant Labour should stay the Corbynite course of developing radical projects that would never see the light of day.

“As a socio-cultural empowerment consultant with working-class affiliations, I can tell you that the Labour heartlands want even more of the policies they so vehemently rejected two weeks ago. Whatever happens, we must never return to those dark years when Labour won landslides and could implement huge societal reforms completely unimpeded. I mean, who would want to return to 1999?”

Mr Williams said that the leadership contest was a chance to cement Labour’s reputation as Europe’s most experienced opposition party.

“I’m really worried that the establishment will try and put forward someone with charisma and media savvy like Keir Starmer or Jess Phillips. Those red tories would spend all their time on telly and not even once snap at journalists.

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“What the working-class industrial heartlands really want is an obscure backroom party ideologue with a history of associating with fringe crank groups so that the Tory press can then spend years portraying them as a cross between Bin Laden and Pol Pot.

“And I know all about the working class. My flatmate at uni was Scottish.

“From Dundee!”