Monday 23 December 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Exposed! Shocking conditions in Santa’s workshop following Mike Ashley takeover


Mike Ashley Santa warehouse

Prior to Mike Ashley’s takeover of Santa’s workshop there were concerns throughout the elvish community that the Sports Direct mogul would bring about a dramatic deterioration in working conditions.

Those concerns appear to have been well-founded.

An elf who has worked in Santa’s workshop all his life has bravely spoken out to expose just how bad conditions are.

He fears retribution, so in order to protect his real identity, he will be referred to as Simon Williams the Elf.

Simon Williams the Elf claims that

  • Elves are routinely made to leave sharp edges on all toys, and even add some if none are present.
  • The only meals available are reindeer meat sandwiches and yellow snow, the provenance of both is unknown.
  • Ashley would routinely get drunk on elvish ale and make his elvish employees caper and dance for his own warped entertainment.
  • Cheap human-sized toilets were installed, meaning elves must stand on one another’s shoulders to use them.
  • The renowned Santa’s workshop football team was disbanded and its best players sold to fund a night out for Ashley in the North Pole Wetherspoons.

“It’s been awful,” explained Simon Williams the Elf, over a small hot chocolate, in a Happy Eater just outside Warrington.

“We were quite hopeful when Mr Ashley took over. I mean, we loved Santa and everything, but he was quite old-fashioned. We thought Mr Ashley would bring the workshop up-to-date.

“I suppose he did, but it seems ‘up-to-date’ isn’t all you’d hope it to be.”

Simon Williams the Elf breaks down in tears as he revealed the elves biggest fear.

“I think he’s going to keep it as Santa’s workshop for a few Christmases and then he’ll quietly turn it into a giant Sports Direct and the elves, who for generations have made toys for children around the world, will have to sell crappy Lonsdale headbands for a pound each.”

Mike Ashley has so far refused to comment on Simon Williams the Elf’s claims, and the Government has insisted that, as the workshop is in the North Pole, it falls outside the jurisdiction for British workplace legislation.

However, it has given the staff and students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry pause for worry, as it is rumoured that Ashley is planning on launching a bid for the ailing fictional educational establishment.

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