Gammons happy to continue being outraged at things they imagine Stormzy said

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Gammons across the country are happy being kept warm this afternoon by the burning righteous indignation caused by something grime artist Stormzy never actually said.

As millions of angry middle-aged white people scream ‘how dare he’ after the media chose to misquote Stormzy, normal folk with a bit of perspective have sat back to laugh at them.

Leading gammon Derek Williams told us, “I for one am outraged, I say outraged, at the suggestion that his country is 100% racist. How dare he imply my dear departed mother Doreen was a racist. He should go back to where he came from!”

“Yes, there is a huge difference between saying the UK definitely has a racism issue, and the UK is entirely racist. But I can only be angry about one of those, so that is the interpretation I am clinging to while my blood-pressure meds kick-in.

“Don’t blame the media. If the newspapers and news channels didn’t insist on going with the interpretation that would be most triggering to my internal prejudices, then I wouldn’t even buy or watch them, would I?”

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Meanwhile, non-morons have let out a huge sigh at the negative reactions of so many people to something Stormzy hasn’t actually said.

Dave Matthews told us, “You can’t deny the UK has an issue with racism. How big an issue is up for interpretation, but to deny it exists would be stupid.

“I’m not a big grime fan, and I’d probably only recognise one or two of Stormzy’s tracks, but honestly, I’d trust him over the tabloids every day of the week.”