Next Labour leader should be radical, traditional, left-wing, centrist, remaining leaver from London and the North

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As the race to succeed Jeremy Corbyn gets underway there appears to be widespread agreement amongst Labour supporters that a new leader needs to be a radical, traditional, left-wing centrist with strong Remain and Leave tendencies who comes from both the North of England and London.

“If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that the disastrous election results of last week show that Jeremy Corbyn didn’t have a radical left-wing agenda that appeals to centrists who voted Leave in London and supported Remain in the North,” explained Simon Williams, a Labour supporter who’s got everything under control.

“So, all we need to do is find someone with strong left-wing credentials who has a proven history of supporting broad, centrist policies, who lives in London and the North and is a passionate leaver who voted Remain in the referendum.”

However, Williams accepted that finding a radical, traditional, left-wing, centrist, remaining leaver from London and the North could be a tough task for the beleaguered party.

“You might be right,” he conceded.

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“Alright, we’ll take anyone who can talk in coherent sentences and looks unlikely to soil themselves during a TV interview.”

Which would seem to rule out Richard Burgon.