Wednesday 18 December 2019 by Chris Ballard

Star Wars fans excited to complain about how shit the new Star Wars movie is


Star Wars fans excited to slag off new movie

People who love Star Wars are eagerly anticipating all the complaining they can do when Episode IX finally hits cinemas.

It’s the moment Star Wars aficionados have all been waiting for – the climax of the Skywalker saga and an opportunity to spend the next six months online talking about how much they hate it.

“I’m hoping it’ll be even worse than The Last Jedi,” said Star Wars fan Simon Williams who has been queueing up outside his local cinema since a week last Thursday.

“Disney has totally killed Star Wars with all those unrealistic powerful women and black people. Sure, the prequels were bad but at least they had loads of white men kicking ass.

“But this Rey character is just really strong in the force for no apparent reason. Unless of course, this new film gives a reason in which case it will be rubbish!”

So what’s Simon’s favourite Star Wars film?

“Well, the original has actually dated quite badly and The Empire Strikes Back has all that boring stuff with Yoda. Return of the Jedi is obviously just ‘muppets in space’ and when the rot began to set in.

“The Phantom Menace is ruined by Jar Jar Binks and Attack of the Clones messy plot isn’t exactly saved by Hayden Christensen’s appalling acting. Revenge of the Sith is marginally better but George Lucas just left himself too much to do to connect things up with the original trilogy.

“So my favourite Star Wars film is probably the one in my head which doesn’t actually exist. All the real ones are shit.

“I’m the world’s biggest fan though!”

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