Wednesday 18 December 2019 by Davywavy

Britain to get the best deal from Donald Trump by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met


Boris and Trump negotiating position

Britain’s best method for getting a generous settlement from Donald Trump is by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met, according to government documents leaked today.

Observers have been pessimistic about Britain’s chances in forthcoming talks, but papers published today reveal that negotiators have identified the people who get the fastest and most generous settlement possible from the President are adult film stars who he’s definitely never interacted with in any way.

The negotiation team acknowledge that the trade deal would be signed by a pseudonym and Donald Trump would deny the whole thing had ever happened, but Britain would have the money and that’s all that matters when you think about it.

“Our opening strategy in negotiations is to say ‘Remember what we did at Mar-a-Lago in 2009’, and Trump will say ‘no, of course I don’t, it never happened’ and then he’ll give us an enormous cheque to go away,” said trade envoy Simon Williams.

“We’re confident this is the best strategy as it’s worked every single time everyone else has ever tried it.”

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