Monday 16 December 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be made Minister for Workhouses


Jacob Rees-Mogg workhouse minister

Tory MP and minor Dickensian villain Jacob Rees-Mogg is set to be named the new Minister for Workhouses in Boris Johnson’s new government.

The new department is being set up as part of the new Tory policy for tackling idleness and shirkery amongst the lower orders.

“Naturally, it is a tremendous honour to be named the new Minister for Workhouses,” chuckled Mr Rees-Mogg as he supervised the cleaning of his chimney by a local urchin.

“It is my ambition that under this new government we will eradicate the food banks that have proliferated in recent years.

“To do so, we will be building brand new workhouses in major towns and cities around the country.”

Construction on a flagship workhouse in Chelmsford, Essex, is expected to begin in the New Year.

“Tremendously exciting,” continued Rees-Mogg.

“The latest in workhouse technology. Sparse, windowless bunk rooms, industrial kitchens for large-scale gruel production, and vast workshops with lightly electrified floors to discourage laziness.

“Very impressive indeed.”

This first workhouse is scheduled for completion in late summer.

“Yes, we’re getting some Polish chaps in to build it. Terribly hard workers, Poles.”

The reintroduction of workhouses is just the first step towards a bold new vision of Tory Britain that will see the reestablishment of the Empire, decriminalisation of child labour, and regular invasions of France.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get your T-shirt here!

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