Induction of new Tory MPs kicks off with ceremonial Dance of the Thatchers

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Boris Johnson has welcomed his new Conservative MPs to Westminster in the time-honoured way.

After a light breakfast of truffles and swan, the newly elected pack of twats will don their Margaret Thatcher masks and dance around a maypole while chanting election slogans from Tory governments past and present.

“This is a bit weird, but I knew what I was getting into,” said Simon Williams, newly elected Conservative MP for Hewston-Upon-Tits, adjusting his Thatcher mask and making sure his ceremonial robes were free from biscuit crumbs.

“When you join a Conservative government, it comes with certain traditions, and far be it to question why the Dance of the Thatchers takes place, or why we have to sacrifice a pig in front of a photo of Enoch Powell, or why we have to pick a benefit claimant’s name out of a ceremonial bowler hat- which carries consequence for that poor soul of which we know not.

“Anyway, everyone else seems alright with it, so it’s probably fine.

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“I really, really wish Boris wasn’t naked, but apparently that’s a thing that has to happen too. I must applaud his enthusiasm, he’s actually been naked since the exit poll.

“You voted for this, you know.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get your T-shirt here!