Boris Johnson has welcomed his new Conservative MPs to Westminster in the time-honoured way.
After a light breakfast of truffles and swan, the newly elected pack of twats will don their Margaret Thatcher masks and dance around a maypole while chanting election slogans from Tory governments past and present.
“This is a bit weird, but I knew what I was getting into,” said Simon Williams, newly elected Conservative MP for Hewston-Upon-Tits, adjusting his Thatcher mask and making sure his ceremonial robes were free from biscuit crumbs.
“When you join a Conservative government, it comes with certain traditions, and far be it to question why the Dance of the Thatchers takes place, or why we have to sacrifice a pig in front of a photo of Enoch Powell, or why we have to pick a benefit claimant’s name out of a ceremonial bowler hat- which carries consequence for that poor soul of which we know not.
“Anyway, everyone else seems alright with it, so it’s probably fine.
“I really, really wish Boris wasn’t naked, but apparently that’s a thing that has to happen too. I must applaud his enthusiasm, he’s actually been naked since the exit poll.
“You voted for this, you know.”