Daily Mail readers already feeling angry again

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After a long weekend of jubilation and gloating, readers of right-wing tabloids have by now returned to the state of permanent seething anger and persecution complex that is the constant companion of their otherwise sheltered lives.

Derek Williams, a retired traffic warden who has spent the weekend on twitter typing out poorly spelled insults towards Labour supporters, was one of many whose fleeting moment of joy has passed and is now furious once again for reasons he can’t explain.

He explained, “I was really feeling smug and validated until I saw a young couple jogging together. Why aren’t they crying in their soy-milk lattes? They shouldn’t be out there taking care of their health trying to rub it in my face that they still a future! Went to Tesco’s this morning and no-one asked for my advice, and all the chicken meat was still certified halal. Why do I have to pee so often? This country is going to the dogs!”

Professor Amanda Tinnock, of the University of Croydon’s Psychology department, explained that, just like a drug binge for a junkie, the General Election victory will probably make Daily Mail readers even angrier in the long run.

She went on, “A part of them thinks that if they impose their will in one way then all their fears and incomprehension of the modern world will disappear. It’s all about denying that their life has not had any real purpose and that they are now irrelevant.

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“They were hoping their brood would now see them as revered tribal elders. But by now they realise they are still being openly mocked by their grandkids. Elections won’t help. Learning to accept their age with dignity might. That or temazepam.

“So yeah, it’s the jellies.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the T-shirt here!